I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
