You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
