i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
