Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
