He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
