in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
