I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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