I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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