I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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