I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
