i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
