I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
