All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
