He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize