I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
