So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
