he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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