i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize