ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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