my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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