Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
