what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
