I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
did i just pee glitter
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