the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
