If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
