mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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