EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
