I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
