Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize