eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
