i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
