Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize