oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize