I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
