Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
