but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
