What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
