how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
