Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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