worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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