This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's blow job season.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
