Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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