I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
