the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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