just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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