just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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