I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I cannot find my penis.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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