i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
