omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
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