I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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