I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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