If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
