final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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