Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
