why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize