my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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