just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
