please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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