Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
