I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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